10 Keys to a Healthy Marriage

1 Control yourself and no one else.

1. The only person I can truly control is myself.
2. I must control my own anxiety.
3. I am responsible for my own happiness.
4. Anxiety and fear cause us to control others.
1. Money tight: blame spouse instead of dealing with anxiety.
2. Wife overwhelmed: pushes hubby away.
3. Husband lashes out at kids rather than calming himself.

2 Be selfish so you can be selfless.

1. Self-love (e.g. taking care of yourself) is a prerequisite in order to be selfless and give in a healthy way.
2. Ultimately selfish and destructive to ask your spouse to meet your deepest needs.
3. Must understand the four levels of love.

3 Burn the checklist.
Over time, a list of resentments begins to take hold in our minds.

1. Write down the list.
2. Burn it.
3. Do not allow the list to form again in your heart or brain.
4. Practice gratitude.

4 Forgive and rebuild trust.

1. Forgiveness does not mean pain goes away. Trust takes time.
2. 3 Reasons to forgive:
1. When don’t forgive, give past actions power over present; put focus on someone else’s actions rather than your own.
2. If don’t forgive, chain spouse to past actions.
3. Must forgive to be forgiven.
4. Rebuild trust:
5. Expect trust to take a long time to rebuild.
6. If rush it, become disillusioned and put too much pressure on each other.
7. Acknowledge and celebrate small steps.

5 Be assertive.

1. Being assertive is liberating for me and my wife.
2. When I am assertive, it relieves my wife of any pressure and she knows what I want. It is honest.
1. Examples
2. My birthday.
3. Sunday afternoons.
4. Wife who wants family to go to church with her.

6 Be apart so you don’t grow apart.

1. Not an excuse for men to play 18 holes of golf every day (9 is okay).
2. Some people only feel purposeful when they are needed and become dependent on children needing you. Take a break!
3. Need time apart as a couple from children.
4. Need time apart individually to be whole when you are together.
5. Examples
1. Anita listening to CD and concert tickets.
2. Me after a workshop.

7 Liking is more important than loving.

1. Love is obligatory.
2. But do you like your spouse?
3. Do you like who you are when you are with your spouse?
4. Practice the Power of One.
1. Write down one thing you like about your spouse.
2. Can be impersonal (he works really hard, she’s a great cook) or personal (he has a great sense of humor, she is compassionate).
3. Dwell on that one though. Compliment your spouse repeatedly.
4. Then find another quality you like. Rinse and repeat often.

8 Water your own grass.

1. Most common trap in human nature: the grass is always greener.
2. Tempted to take the easy way out: get a new lawn.
3. Resist the temptation of the perfect man or woman at the office.
4. Grass isn’t dead. It’s just dormant. We need to water it.
1. Don’t wait for your spouse to change.
2. Feelings follow words and actions.
3. Prepare the soil (forgive and rebuild trust).
4. Plant a lot of seeds. Marriage relationships deteriorate because we stop doing a lot of little things and miss opportunities.
5. Think of one thing your spouse HATES doing. Begin doing that task for your spouse, even if he or she does not reciprocate.

9 Cut the chords.

1. Parents still exhibit too much emotional control over spouses.
2. Disappoint parents early on in marriage.
1. Manipulation comes from resentments and feeling entitled because of all they sacrificed as a parent.
2. Do not be moved by their childish reactions.
3. Do not compromise your own family
4. Mother gets offended--enjoy the peace and quiet.
5. Not responsible for your parents’ happiness.
6. Cutting the chords causes transformation!
7. Husband first, father second, son third.
8. When decided to get married and have children, made a conscious choice to separate from parents and become mature adult.
9. Growing up is difficult  :)

10 The greatest gift a man can give his wife.

My greatest gift to others, ironically, has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.
(1) I take care of myself so my wife doesn’t have to “manage” me.

1. Calm, assertive leader.
2. Free from parents’ control so put my family first.
3. Trust me with kids.

(2) Give me wife a night out once or twice per month.

1. Handle dinner, dishes, homework, put kids to bed.

(3) Date night with undivided attention.

The greatest gift a woman can give her husband.

(1) I take care of myself so my husband doesn’t have to take care of me.

1. Exercise, take a walk, listen to music, read, pray to feel centered
2. Show self-respect
3. Do not give kids keys to your emotions and happiness.

(2) Leave the kids, guilt and responsibility behind for a date night.

1. Be my husband’s date and not just his kids’ Mom for an evening.

(3) Thank my husband for random things: taking care of the lawn, working hard, being patient with the kids.
Make each other a priority. Spend time together first when come home from work. Let kids know your relationship is a priority.